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The worst homework you ever did was the homework between The Simpsons and going to sleep

The handlebar-mustache-on-a-stick industry was really hurting in 2008, till some genius created wedding photo booths

I remember when “trigger warnings” were just called “discretion advised” and nobody thought it was the fall of Western civilization

I got the latest “flagship” Mario game, Mario Odyssey. It’s a 3D game, which I don’t like as much as the 2D Mario games. (What convinced me to get a Wii back in the day is that they had made a whole new 2D Mario game for it.) I thought it might have just been nostalgia, but they play so differently. 3D Mario games are about exploration and collecting things — you can just wander aimlessly around without being in danger in many places. But 2D Mario is about precision, timing, and speed. It’s such a vastly different play style that it almost feels wrong to call these new games Mario games.

Tucker Carlson mouthing the words to “House Arrest” under a big pair of Beats headphones during commercial breaks

The least credible part of Home Alone is that Kevin continues to dress himself in adorable and festive but no doubt tight and itchy clothing